Finding the Balance
My daughter is almost two years old and I never for a second thought that the hardest part of being a mom would be balancing being a mom and a working mom. When deciding to go to back to work, at the initial time, it seemed like an easy decision. My decision to return to work was purely a financial decision in my household. We knew we wouldn't be able to maintain our family's lifestyle if I stayed at home; knowing that, becoming a stay-at-home mom wasn't a thought. I had mentally prepared myself (at least I thought I had) to return to work. I felt strongly that I would go back to work, carry on with my regular job, and motherly duties: pick up my daughter from daycare, go home & make dinner and everyone would be happy; all would be well. At least, that is what I envisioned would happen. A part of me was excited about the time away from my daughter and homelife. I would interact with adults and engage in adult conversations, instead of my days discussing The Wiggles, Peppa Pig, and Sesame Street.
Leading up to and returning to work, I started doubting my decision. The excitement mixed with fear, anxiety, and nervousness became so surreal. Don't get me wrong, all of these feelings are to be expected. As any new mom would do and with the realization that there isn't another option, I put one foot in front of the other and carried on for days, weeks, and months. I'll be honest, some days were easier than others. Finding the right balance was and still is the most challenging thing I have ever experienced.
So many moms to be and new moms often receive an outpour of advice, solicited and unsolicited, from family, friends, and strangers about what you should or shouldn't be doing as a parent. However, I have yet to receive insight about what to expect or what you should know about deciding to return to work. I wish someone would have told me that your exhaustion level goes from 0-100 by 9:00 AM and you still have to find a way to manage the next 8 hours of your work day on top of the next 4-5 hours work you have at home in the evening as a mom. So, when you think you have 1 fulltime job, times that by 2. You're now working full time and you are a mother full time.
I wish I had known that the feeling of failing: failing as a mom and failing at work, was to be expected and was likely to happen. There are no words to describe what it truly feels like to "fail." While I would hug my daughter each morning in the doorway of her daycare, letting her go was incredibly hard. I would take that extra moment to soak up her cuddle and her smell, before letting her go. She cried and then I would cry as I drove myself to work. This process took months, before it got just a little bit easy. This wasn't an easy transition for me and the one advice that WAS given to me, was that this transition is normal and your child will eventually stop crying. I kept reminding myself that she will stop crying... eventually.
As mothers, what we struggle with the most is admitting when something is hard. We are wired to take on challenges daily: getting the right colour cup and spoon each morning for breakfast, lunch, and dinner, while coordinating multiple tasks simultaneously: pretending to be princesses and fairies reading a book to a group of teddies while the floor is lava (yes, this is a real game). We are warriors! We are STRONG! But where we fall short and what we don't talk about is how we try to keep the glue stuck, while dividing our self from what we know best, being a mom and our workplace. What some of us are born to do, is to raise our babies. Our constant need to be the "perfect" mom foreshadows our ability to admit when we are struggling. When we admit we are struggling, we are no longer seen as "perfect," we are now seen as "weak". Being seen as "weak" now translates to the feeling of "failed" which is something no mom wants to feel or admit too.
All I wanted to hear was that this transition in your life will be hard! This process isn't always an easy one. The feelings you are feeling are normal. There is no timeline on your feelings. Your feelings will come and go. You will have good days & bad days. You will constantly feel like you can't do it all. When you can't, you feel like you have let someone down and that someone is YOU. You have let yourself down, your child down, your husband/partner down and that's a hard pill to swallow. I wish I was told that the whole "work/life balance," is completely and utterly, full of crap! Repeat after me, CRAP!! There is no balance. We are all trying to keep ourselves from sinking and drifting away at sea. What is true is that some moms are just better at hiding it than others.
Lastly, I wish as a working mom there was better support for us. Better resources helping moms cope with their decision to go back to work. This decision is not easy. In fact, it is the absolute, most challenging decision you might face. For some mothers, this means weaning from breastfeeding, pumping and/or bottle feeding routines and implementing new routines and structure. These changes affect not only you, but your little one. This is a difficult time for both you and your little one. Changes like these cause incredible hormonal changes that affect you physically and mentally (scientifically proven). Gearing up to go back to work is overwhelming, sad, happy, frustrating, exhausting, angry, and all feelings in between and the most important thing we need is patience and support!
From a mother to a mother, I understand you! I commend your strength! A mother who claims they have figured it all out, I am all ears... but until then, I will continue to send to my fellow moms, support and love during this difficult time. ❤️
