Don’t say the M word

There comes that time in your marriage when you feel ready to start a family. You spend endless days and nights talking about it, planning about it, and finding the exact right moment.  No matter how much planning and preparing for the special time, no one ever prepares you for the “What If’s.” What if it takes longer to get pregnant? What if you miscarry?  There are so many “What If’s,” and yet, so many people only talk about being pregnant, and everything else except the really upsetting stuff.

Well, I’m here to break the silence. Part of going through the motions of trying and getting pregnant comes as a “package”, and this includes the good, and the BAD.  When the time was right for my husband and I, we both couldn’t be happier. What I did know going into this, was that it can take time, and that patience will be your strongest strength. It wasn’t because of my age, but in general, for most woman, conceiving doesn’t always happen right away.

After a few months trying, we got a positive. For me, the signs were very early on. What does this mean? What I mean is I take a test. One of the moments during this whole process, and all part of this “package” I learn quickly I don’t enjoy, and despise peeing on a stick. I wait my 3-5 minutes, and look for a line, positive sign or a smiley face. My line was faint. It was there, but not vivid.  So, like any couple would, my husband and I were excited.  Now, most people at this stage would wait to share with family, and immediate friends. Anyone who know my husband and I, we were not that kind of people. I knew ahead of time, anything can happen during this time.  What I didn’t know, nor was ever discussed with me, was that most first pregnancies result in miscarriage, or chemical pregnancies (early miscarriage). Such as, 10-25 % of all pregnancies end in miscarriage, and up to 70% of first-trimester miscarriages end in chromosomal anomalies.

The following morning, after spending the previous day excited and nervous, I knew instantly something wasn’t right. Symptoms of stomach cramping, spotting etc which lead me to take an immediate doctors appointment. The next two weeks persisted of multiple blood tests checking my HCG levels, which lead to an early ultrasound, which confirmed the worst possible news, there was no baby.

I knew going into these tests, that this was most likely the case of a “chemical” pregnancy. How does this differ from a miscarriage? The difference is “timing” A chemical pregnancy is the most early time of a pregnancy, often mistaken for a missed period. Miscarriage takes place between first-trimester up to 20 weeks, once there is further progression of development.  If it wasn’t for my extensive research, talking and sharing this disappointment with other woman, I wouldn’t have been as level-headed, and motivated to try this journey again.

We tried a few weeks after, and I experienced very different body changes. After a couple of weeks of discomfort and not feeling myself, I went back to my doctor.  She had me do a urine test, and the nurse asked me ” any chance you could be pregnant?” I looked at her and without hesitation I say “No, well I guess there could be, but it would be very minimal given 2.5-3 weeks ago I miscarried.” The nurse prompted me to take my test. I sit back down in the doctor’s office, giving my doctor a list of my symptoms, when the nurse interrupts me, with a huge smile on her face. She looks at me and says “So, what do you think?” All I remember was sitting there super puzzled, and super nervous, and the nurse says “The test is positive! But not just a line, but the bluest of bright blue positive lines.”

So in light of all the ups and downs,  disappointment and sadness, for all the Moms, moms to be, and woman out there, to never be afraid to talk about and share your journey, no matter the good & BAD. Sometimes we need the reassurance that we are not alone, and there is always a light at the end of the tunnel.

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Our baby girl at 18wks

 

 

 

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